The Red Herring

Sitting on a Bench Next To David Johansen at City Lights

My wife, Lindsay, and I were on vacation in San Francisco a couple years ago and I wanted to go to City Lights Bookstore. I go there every time I’m in San Francisco and I usually end up spending at least $100 on books. The selection of books is incredible and the place is totally original. I’m a fan of the Beat Poets (Kerouac, Ginsberg, etc.) and City Lights still carries their energy.

During this visit, Lindsay was browsing the main floor while I walked down to the basement. When I reached the bottom of the steps, I saw the back of a tall, lanky, somewhat feminine individual with long gray hair.

The first thing that popped into my brain was, “Wow, that old lady’s in great shape.”

But as I walked by, I heard the voice. I recognized it right away and it definitely wasn’t an old lady. It was David Johansen of the New York Dolls.

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Long Weekend

The following is a scene from my screenplay, LONG WEEKEND. Eric Moriarty has woken up in jail on the morning of his sister’s wedding. He’s not sure how he got there, but he has to get out in time to walk his sister down the aisle. In this scene, Eric must go before a judge to be released.

INT. COURTROOM - MORNING

The Policeman brings Eric to a desk in the courtroom where a PUBLIC DEFENDER is waiting for him. The JUDGE is seated at the front of the room. The Public Defender is looking through Eric’s paperwork.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
You’re Eric Moriarty?

ERIC
Yes, sir.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Do you know why you are here?

ERIC
I think so.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
You were arrested for DUI last night.

ERIC
That was my first guess.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Wow, you blew a point two-four on the breathalyzer.

ERIC
(laughing)
That’s pretty high.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
You’re lucky to be alive.

ERIC
Yeah, I’m feeling pretty lucky right now.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
You ever been arrested before? 

ERIC
No, sir.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Do you have a job?

ERIC
Yes.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Okay, this should be easy. You’ll be out of here soon.

ERIC
Do I plead not guilty?

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Yes, the judge will probably release you on your own recognizance because you have a clean record.

ERIC
Good, that’s all I care about right now.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Just don’t piss off the judge and I’ll get you out of here.

ERIC
Okay.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
(to the Judge)
Your Honor, we’re ready.

As the Judge and Public Defender begin to discuss the case, Eric loses focus and isn’t paying attention to the proceedings.

He is brought back to attention by the sound of the Judge’s gavel slamming down and the Judge yelling at him.

JUDGE
I said, how do you plead?

ERIC
Um, not guilty?

JUDGE
Can you afford your own attorney?

ERIC
Yes, Your Honor. I can.

JUDGE
Good, your court date is set for two weeks from Monday.

The Judge gets up and leaves the courtroom.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Were you paying attention at all to that?

ERIC
Not really. What was that about a court date in a couple weeks?

The Public Defender hands Eric his paperwork.

PUBLIC DEFENDER
I don’t know. Go ask your lawyer.

ERIC
So it’s like that, huh?

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Don’t forget to see the clerk on the way out. She’ll have the rest of your stuff.

ERIC
Stuff?

PUBLIC DEFENDER
(walking away)
Jesus Christ. You wallet, your watch, your phone, your keys!

ERIC
Thanks. 

PUBLIC DEFENDER
Whatever, asshole.

The Public Defender walks out of the courtroom leaving Eric alone at the desk. Eric gets all of his paperwork together and looks at the clock. It’s 11:00 a.m.

Eric walks out of the courtroom and into the courthouse lobby.

INT. COURTHOUSE LOBBY – LATE MORNING

Upon entering the lobby, Eric is met quickly by a SLEAZY LAWYER. He is middle-aged, short, bald and wearing an ill-fitting suit. The Sleazy Lawyer reaches out and aggressively shakes Eric’s hand.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Hi, I overheard you say that you can afford your own lawyer.

ERIC
Yeah.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Do you have one or do you need one?

ERIC
I need one.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Well, I’m an expert in DUI cases.

ERIC
No shit.

SLEAZY LAWYER
You’re going to need some help. You blew a point two-four.

Eric is trying to walk away.

ERIC
Yeah, I guess.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Here just take my card in case you want to talk.

Eric takes the business card and puts it in his shirt pocket without looking at it.

SLEAZY LAWYER
How are you getting home?

ERIC
I don’t know. I figured I’d drive.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Your car has probably been impounded.

ERIC
What’s that mean?

SLEAZY LAWYER
It means you won’t be able to get it until Monday.

ERIC
Super.

The Sleazy Lawyer reaches into his front pants pocket and pulls out a money clip. He takes out a $20 bill and hands it to Eric.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Here, take this. Get a cab home.

ERIC
Thanks.

Eric takes the $20 bill and puts it in his shirt pocket.

ERIC
Do you know where the clerk is? I need to get my stuff and get out of here.

SLEAZY LAWYER
(pointing)
Sure, she’s right over there in the corner.

ERIC
Thanks.

Eric shakes hands with the Sleazy Lawyer and walks toward the CLERK.

SLEAZY LAWYER
Don’t be afraid to call me.

Eric raises his hand and waves to acknowledge that he heard him but continues walking to the Clerk.

The Clerk, a middle aged black woman, sits in a small office protected by a pane of glass. A small drawer is present below the glass for the Clerk to pass items through.

Eric walks up to the window and sees the Clerk inside.

CLERK
Name, please.

ERIC
Eric Moriarty.

The Clerk goes into the back of her office and returns with a clear plastic bag with Eric’s wallet, watch, cell phone and keys inside. She puts the bag into the drawer and sends it out to Eric on the other side of the glass.

ERIC
Thanks.

CLERK
You’re welcome. Take care.

ERIC
Wait, why are my keys here?

CLERK
What?

ERIC
If my car was impounded, wouldn’t my keys be with it?

CLERK
I guess.

ERIC
How do I know for sure where my car is?

CLERK
It should say in your paperwork.

Eric shuffles through his papers.

ERIC
Where?

CLERK
(rolling her eyes)
Just give me the papers.

Eric puts his paperwork in the drawer and the Clerk pulls it out and reads it.

CLERK
That’s weird. It doesn’t say here that they took your car to the impound.

ERIC
Then where’s my car?

CLERK
They probably left it where you got arrested.

ERIC
And where’s that?

CLERK
You’re kidding me, right?

ERIC
It was a rough night.

CLERK
(sighing)
It says here you were arrested in a parking lot at the corner of Franklin and West Tupper.

ERIC
So, I should go there?

CLERK
That’s your best bet for finding your car.

ERIC
Okay, thanks.

CLERK
Good luck.

Eric puts his wallet and keys in his pants pockets and puts his watch on his wrist. His watch reads 11:15 a.m. as he walks outside the courthouse.

Stalking Steve Carell & Hitting the Red Carpet with the Son of a Hollywood Legend

In June of 2008, I was in the middle of Jared’s Fogle’s 10^th Anniversary with Subway. We planned a series of events and appearances for Jared throughout the year and dubbed it the “Tour de Pants.” Catchy, right?

For this particular event in Los Angeles, we held a casting call to be in a Subway commercial with Jared. The event was held right on Hollywood Boulevard at Hollywood & Highland. We built a stage and invited the public to come out and be judged by Jared and some Subway executives. The great Joel McHale from The Soup and Community was our emcee.

Along with a role in a Subway commercial, the winner (and a guest) would get to attend the Get Smart movie premiere with Jared that night. Subway had a brand integration in Get Smart (starring Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway) so we were invited to the premiere.

The casting call was uneventful yet somewhat bizarre. The contestants were an odd mix of working and non-working actors at various levels of desperation, confused tourists, and Hollywood Boulevard lunatics dressed as movie characters.  The guy dressed as Zorro was probably the nuttiest.

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Howard Stern, NBC & the Inevitable Complaints

For the record, I am a Howard Stern fan. I’ve been listening to Howard for 20 years and I gladly made the switch to Sirius/XM with him.

Howard Stern’s announcement last week that he would be a judge on America’s Got Talent was big news for Stern fans. I’ve never watched America’s Got Talent, but I probably will now. Howard will somehow make the show interesting to me despite my disdain for “talent” contests and freak shows.

But I have to wonder if the executives at NBC will stand by Howard when the complaints and boycott threats roll in. That’s not if, it’s when.

Now obviously, the Howard Stern on America’s Got Talent will be a sanitized version of the Howard Stern on Sirius/XM.  But, you can bet that NBC and its advertisers will certainly get complaints based on what Howard says on his radio show. And we know Howard doesn’t hold back on the radio. He speaks his mind about religion, race, politics, and sex.

Conservative groups, religious groups, and family organizations will come after NBC and its coveted advertisers. They won’t acknowledge the difference between radio Howard and TV Howard. Most advertisers have some backbone (at least more than Lowe’s), but some may cave in to the complaints and threats of boycotts. If America’s Got Talent starts to lose ad revenue, how long before NBC pulls the plug on Howard?

But on the other side, will Howard Stern start toning down his radio show in order to preserve his new network gig? America’s Got Talent could be Howard’s transition to a new career as he finishes what should be his last contract with Sirius/XM. Howard may not want to jeopardize his new NBC job because it might lead to something bigger and better for him in a few years. I don’t think Howard would do this and risk letting down his loyal fan base.

It’s difficult to predict how (or if) this will work out. But even if this experiment fails in the first few weeks, I’m really going to enjoy watching Howard shake things up. My only hope is that the radio show doesn’t suffer. And I don’t think Howard will let that happen.

Oh, and one last thing…Ba Ba Booey!

White House Stories (Part 2)

So I’m back at the White House in the summer of 2008 for another episode of Tee-Ball on the South Lawn (see event description in 12/5 post).

This visit had been pretty routine – go through security, take the tour of the White House, and then sit out in the blazing heat watching little kids run into each other.

But things got interesting quickly when it came time to line up for the group photo with President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush.

I was standing on the end of a group of about ten people when the President walked by and shook all of our hands. Mrs. Bush was following behind him doing the same. (For the record, Laura Bush was a very sweet and friendly woman.)

Mrs. Bush was standing next to me when the photographer asked the group to squeeze in tight for the photo. Unfortunately for her, the First Lady didn’t realize how close she was to me. I was standing with my hands at my sides and she backed right into me. More specifically, her rear end backed into my hand.

Out of respect for the former First Lady, I don’t want to get too graphic about how intimately I got to know her in that brief moment. But if her backside suddenly went on a multi-state crime spree and I had to describe it to a police sketch artist, I could provide a stunning amount of detail.

I completely froze. I was mortified. I prayed she wouldn’t turn around.

If she had turned around to say something to me, I probably would have shamefully sprinted away only to be gang tackled and beaten senseless by the Secret Service. From my cell in Guantanamo Bay, the news media would refer to me as the original “Underwear Bomber.”

But none of that happened. Nothing happened. She didn’t even acknowledge it.

“Okay, smile,” said the photographer.

I forced a ridiculously awkward smile and heard the camera click. You’ll notice in the photo that I’m standing with my hands behind my back. That wasn’t an accident.

Mrs. Bush then turned around and shook my trembling right hand.

“It was nice to meet you,” she said.

I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I just smiled and nodded.

Jared Fogle Gets His Picture Taken with Barack Obama Wearing a Suit That My Wife & I Picked Out

In April of 2005, I traveled to Washington, DC to represent Subway at the American Heart Association’s Lobby Day. Every few years, the American Heart Association holds Lobby Day. AHA executives along with heart attack and stroke survivors lobby members of Congress for increased spending on cardiovascular research and disease prevention. Subway sponsored the AHA and Jared Fogle and I were invited to participate in Lobby Day.

I was 9 months into my career with Subway at that point. I still hadn’t worked with Jared, or even met him in person. We had spoken over the phone, but that’s it.

I went to DC a few days early with my wife to see the Cherry Blossom Festival. The Lobby Day activities would take place on Monday and Tuesday, so we spent the weekend visiting friends and walking around DC.

Jared had been on a cruise that whole week and was supposed to fly home to Indy on Saturday, pack for DC, and then fly to DC on Sunday night.

Saturday night in DC, my wife and I were waiting with friends for a table at Clyde’s on M Street in Georgetown when my phone rang. It was Jared.

“Excuse me, guys. I’ve got to take this. It’s Jared,” I said to the group.

“You mean like, the Jared?” my wife’s friend asked as I stepped aside.

I answered the phone and said hi to Jared.

“Hey Mack, I’ve got a bit of a situation,” he said.

Jared went on to tell me that his cruise got in late and he missed his flight home. His only option was then to fly straight to DC on Sunday night. Since he wasn’t going home, he wouldn’t be able to get his suit for our meetings that started Monday morning.

“I can buy one for you,” I said.

“Are you serious?” he asked.

“Yeah, what are your sizes?”

Jared gave me his sizes in between giggles.

“Don’t worry, dude. I’ll get you something nice,” I told him.

I hung up with Jared and walked into Clyde’s where my wife and friends had been seated. I told them what was going on and, of course, they all had a good laugh.

“Your life is so bizarre,” my wife’s friend said to me.

“I have a feeling it’s just getting started,” I said.

The next day my wife and I discovered that most stores in downtown DC aren’t open on Sunday. We found one department store open so we made it work. I found a navy blue suit in Jared’s size and my wife picked out a couple ties and some shoes.

(Note: In a pinch, two different ties can make the same suit appear to be two different suits.)

Jared made it to DC Sunday night and we attended a full day of meetings and preparation on Monday before heading to Capitol Hill on Tuesday morning.

After a couple meetings in the Russell Senate Building, Jared and I walked through the tunnel to the Hart Senate Building.  In the tunnel, I saw then Senator Hillary Clinton walking toward us.

I looked at Jared and said, “Hillary, twelve o’clock.”

Jared looked at me with a smile and I got my camera ready. We were the only ones in the tunnel with her; she had to see us. As we got closer to her, I realized that we were invisible. She wasn’t looking past us, she was looking through us. Hillary walked right by with her eyes wide open and a 1,000 watt smile on her face, never once taking her gaze off whatever she saw at the other end of the tunnel.

“Well, that sucked,” I said to Jared as we walked away disappointed.

We met up with our AHA group in the Hart Senate Building lobby. After the first meeting, Jared and I needed a bathroom break. I asked where the next meeting was and told the group we would catch up with them.

We finished in the men’s room and started walking to our next meeting. Without our AHA guides, we got lost immediately. The Hart Senate Building is like a maze – just a confusing series of identical hallways and offices.

“You have any idea where we are?” Jared asked.

“Not a clue,” I said.

That’s when I saw Senator Barack Obama walking toward us.  After his speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, everybody knew who he was. Having been blown off by Hillary, I decided not to go for my camera.

I was walking in front of Jared and as Senator Obama approached us he looked at me and said hello. I said hello back and then he said the same to Jared. We were about ten feet past Obama when I heard his voice behind us.

“Hey, aren’t you the Subway Guy?” he asked.

We turned around and Jared said, “Yes, I am.”

Obama stuck his hand out and said, “You’re kidding me. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Obama went on to tell us how he loved Subway sandwiches and was eating them almost every day since Subway started toasting them.

Then he asked us what we were doing in DC. We told him about the work we were doing with the AHA and he said, “You’re doing some good work. Keep it up.”

Senator Obama had a noticeable presence about him. You could honestly sense that he was destined for bigger things.

We shook hands with Obama and started to walk away when I asked, “Hey, you mind if I get a picture of you and Jared.”

“No, I don’t mind. Let’s do it,” he said.

I took the picture and Obama went on his way.

I looked at Jared and said, “That guy is going to be President someday.”

“You’re probably right,” he said.

“Come on, let’s go find our group.”

Meeting Dave Mustaine at a Hollywood Movie Premiere

Megadeth has always been one of my favorite metal bands. Back in the 80’s, a friend of mine played the song “Peace Sells” for me and I was hooked. Prior to hearing that song, I listened only to the fluffy hair metal bands. “Peace Sells” was my introduction to heavy music.

I saw Megadeth twice this year – at the Mayhem Festival in Hartford, CT and at the Big 4 concert at Yankee Stadium. Megadeth put on the best performance of all the bands at both shows.

In June of 2009, I was invited to the red carpet movie premiere of Land of the Lost in L.A. As the PR guy, it was my job to escort a few spokespeople to the red carpet and after party.

Leading up to the premiere, I had heard that Dave Mustaine from Megadeth had worked on the movie soundtrack. I hoped he would be at the premiere and I would get a chance to meet him.

I didn’t see Mustaine on the red carpet or in the theater for the screening, so the after party was my only shot.

Within a half hour of arriving at the after party, I saw Mustaine across the room. He had kids with him so I didn’t want to bother him. The after party was going to last a while and I hoped to get another opportunity. I walked to one of the catering tables to get some grub.

While in line for food, I sensed somebody standing in line behind me. I turned around to see Dave Mustaine. What happened next was incredibly awkward.

I extended my hand and Dave shook my hand.

“Hi, Dave. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” I said.

There was no response from Dave, just a confused look on his face.

“I’m a big fan of your music.”

Still no response.

“’Sweating Bullets’ is one of my favorite songs of all time.”

An even more confused look on his face.

After about five seconds of us looking at each other in painful silence, I patted Dave on the back and said, “Okay, then. It was great meeting you. Have a good night.”

Dave again said nothing in response and continued to look at me with this puzzled look on his face.

As I walked away, I tried to figure out what just happened. Did I offend him? Did I annoy him? What did I do wrong?

But the look on his face said it all. I absolutely confused the hell out of him. Two things must have really thrown him for a loop– (A) somebody at this stuffy Hollywood party actually recognized him and was a fan of his music and (B) that person looked like me – a clean-cut corporate guy with short hair and a sport coat.

Dave is sober now, but fans of Megadeth know that he did a lot of damage to himself over the years with substance abuse. It’s possible that my appearance and my comments were just too much for his brain to process without any prep time.

Dave Mustaine wasn’t mean to me, nor was he the arrogant rock start that doesn’t have time for his fans.

He was simply baffled to the point that he lost the ability to speak.

My bad, Dave.

White House Stories (Part 1)

This wasn’t my first trip to the White House, nor was it the first time I met George W Bush.  I already had a couple group photos with him, but not a photo of just the two of us.

The photo is from the July of 2007. I was the PR Manager for Subway Restaurants. Through Subway’s sponsorship of Little League Baseball, we would get invited to the White House every summer for Tee-Ball on the South Lawn. The White House hosted this event two or three times each summer and two Little League Tee-Ball teams would face off in a one-inning exhibition. Every player got a chance to bat and no score was kept. The event always included a celebrity singing the National Anthem, celebrity coaches, and ESPN/ABC talent calling the game.

Despite my many trips to the White House, I was never able to get Jared Fogle (the Subway Guy) there. Jared’s schedule was always full and we couldn’t make it happen until this particular game.

It was a blazing hot day in DC. The temperature was about 95 degrees with 90 percent humidity. When Jared and I arrived, we were met by our guide for the day – a friendly young male intern.  The intern took us through security and I was waved through even though I set off the airport style metal detector.

“Want me to empty my pockets and go back through?” I asked the Secret Service agent.

“No, don’t worry about it. You’re with him,” the agent said pointing to Jared.

I’m not the type to carry weapons on me and apparently my association with Jared strongly conveyed that to the Secret Service agent.

The intern then took us into the White House and gave us a private tour that included everything but the Oval Office.  Lady Bird Johnson had just passed away and there was a flowered memorial to her on the second floor. The intern asked us to bow our heads and pay our respects to Lady Bird. We obliged while he stood and watched.

After the tour, we were shown our seats to watch the game.

“Will somebody come get us when it’s time to meet the President?” I asked the intern.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You’re not on the list to meet the President today,” the intern said as he walked away.

I looked at Jared and he was totally bummed out. I had promised him he would meet the President and it looked like it wasn’t going to happen. We sat sweating in the heat for about 15 minutes watching Tommy Lasorda and Frank Robinson coach the tee-ball game when I decided to take action.

The friendly intern had seemed to be very friendly, especially toward me. And who can blame him? I am, after all, boyishly handsome.

“Hey Jared, how badly do you want to meet the President?” I asked.

“It would really mean a lot,” he said.

“Sit tight. I’ll be right back,” I said.

I saw the intern walking nearby and walked over to him. I had already forgotten his name.

“Hey, buddy. Can I ask you a huge favor?” I asked.

“Sure. What’s up?” he asked.

“Is there any way Jared can meet the President today?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think so.”

“Are you sure?” I asked as I put my hand on his bicep and gave it a gentle squeeze, “It would really mean a lot to Jared.”

“You know what you’re asking? That’s a pretty tall order.”

“I know.”

“Okay, let me see what I can do.”

I walked back over to Jared and sat down.

“What’s going on?” Jared asked.

“I just had a talk with that intern. We’ll see if it worked.”

About five minutes later, a Secret Service agent walked over, pointed at us and said, “You two, follow me.”

We followed to Secret Service agent to the receiving line where he positioned us next to Tommy Lasorda and Frank Robinson.

“Dude, I can’t believe you pulled that off,” Jared said to me.

As President Bush was walking down the receiving line, he spotted Jared.

“Oh my God! It’s the Subway Guy!” said the President.

While I watched in stunned silence, President Bush talked to Jared about his favorite Subway sandwiches and his favorite Subway location in Waco, Texas. The White House photographer was there and asked Jared to pose for a photo with the President. Because I was standing next to Jared, the President stuck out his hand to shake mine. As I reached for his hand, the photographer asked us to look at him and he took the above photo.

President Bush then continued down the receiving line to meet Tommy Lasorda just as Laura Bush was approaching me and Jared. The President interrupted his conversation with Lasorda and yelled, “Hey Laura, check out the Subway Guy!”

The President came back over to us and Laura’s face lit up as she met Jared. I looked over at Tommy Lasorda and he was seething. He finally has an opportunity meet the President of the United States and he gets blown off for Jared the Subway Guy.

After the receiving line, we stayed a while for a picnic. The hot dogs they serve at the White House are some of the best I’ve ever had.

As Jared and I were leaving a little later, he asked, “So what did you say to that intern, anyway?”